At last the day has arrived! You sent in your nominations, you made your votes, and, finally, it is time to see who will walk away today with the prize! Welcome to the awards ceremony for the Least Competent Henchman! *trumpets and fanfare*

The buzz of the great crowd echoes from inside the…warehouse? I frown as I step up onto the stage, or what’s supposed to be a stage, but, in reality, is nothing more than a bunch of boards nailed up on top of some slabs of stone. What suspiciously looks like bed sheets hangs behind the “stage”, posing as curtains.

Finding good accommodations for the Least Competent Henchman award is always hard, but this is just ridiculous.

I shrug. Ah well. After today I won’t have to house the nominees anymore. That alone is reason to celebrate.

Someone hands me a microphone…without batteries in it. After some fumbling behind stage, a working microphone makes it into my hands.

“Welcome, everyone! Who’s excited to be here today?”

Scattered claps sounds from the crowd as the people glance around nervously.

“That’s the spirit! Today, to present the award, we have with us a least competent henchman of all incompetence. Sent to retrieve the One Ring, this henchman failed miserably. Couldn’t even snag the right hobbits, despite having a whole battalion of orcs with him. Nor could he keep his hands on the hobbits he did snag. That’s right, leader of the Uruk’hai himself, it’s the one, the only, UGLUK!!!”

“What did you say about me?” In a crash of footsteps, the Uruk’hai bursts out from behind the sheet-curtains.

The crowd chooses then to erupt into applause, saving me from having to explain. I cast everyone a grateful smile.

“I can’t believe I’m doing this again,” Ugluk growls. “But Master Saruman said this could be a good way for us to get our hands on more henchman.”

“Well, I don’t think—”

“Let’s get this over with.” He snatches the microphone from my hand. “WHO ARE THE NOMINEES?!” His thunderous voice booms through the warehouse.

I wince and motion for someone to turn down the sound of his mike and then hand over the five envelopes. He nearly tears the first one in half in his attempt to open it.

“10 votes for the…” He squints at the paper. “Toothy Cows? What sort of pathetic farm animal is a toothy cow? Sounds like lunch, not worthy henchmen!”

I’m not there to answer, being as how I slipped underneath the stage the moment he made the announcement. The dreaded clop, clop, clop of the animals’ cloven hooves sounds above.

Then the devil cows appear.

Saliva dripping from mouths crammed with ferocious teeth, eyes gleaming with pure evil, they clomp onto the stage.

The crowd shifts nervously. Someone breaks into tears.

“Well!” Ugluk appraises the beasts. “Now these are something! The White Lord might be able to put some use to them after all.”

“MOOOOO!”

“What do you think you’re—”

The cows charge. Ugluk whips out his sword. “Is that how it’s gonna go? Looks like meat’s back on the menu!”

“Oh, drat!” I scramble out from underneath the stage. “Ugluk, you can’t kill the nominees!”

A few magical beings from the crowd scrambles into the fray. Flashes of blinding, colorful light flares from hands and wands.

“GET BACK, YOU FOUL BEASTS!” Ugluk’s thunderous roar echoes from within the chaos.

Another surge of light explodes on the stage. When the smoke clears, only Ugluk remains, breathing heavily, his helmet a little crooked.

The crowd stands stunned.

Ugluk’s cry snaps the room back to life. “WHERE IS THE NEXT ENVELOPE?”

Apparently he’s changed his mind about recruited the toothy cows. Or eating them for lunch. I’m just grateful to whoever cast the magic that sent them away. Good riddance.

I spot the envelopes scattered across the scuffed stage and rush to gather them up.

Ugluk tears into the next one. “17 votes! General Khrak!” he spats out, his patience apparently already waning.

The lizard-y general steps forward from his seat at the front of the crowd. The people nearby give him a wide berth as he glares at them. A smattering of hesitant clapping echoes through the room.

Ugluk’s eyes narrow. “Wasn’t this puny general here last year? What a waste of time!” He tosses the envelope on the floor.

Khrak hisses and spits on the ground before slithering away.

I just ignore the fact that all the nominees supposed to come up and stand on the stage. Can’t say I’m sad to see them go.

Ugluk has moved on to the next envelope. “18 votes for— What is a Bramble?”

In response, excited applause and a quite a few “awww’s!” ring through the warehouse as a small, furry brown creature hops onto the stage. Smiling in delight, Bramble waves at the audience.

“What sort of maggot is that? I could crush him with my boot!”

Bramble swerves around, eyes widening in horror at Ugluk. “Bramble mustn’t get stomped. Mustn’t anger giant boar.”

“WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!”

I hurry over and scoot Bramble behind me. “How about that next envelope?”

“Anything to get this nonsense over with! This better be a worthy henchman and not some other pathetic creature!” Spittle flies from Ugluk’s mouth as he reads. “38 votes for a…DOBBY?! That sounds even worse than a Bramble!”

The audience disagrees as it explodes into cheers. Dobby bounces onto the stage, all smiles, until he comes face to face with Ugluk.

“This creature again?!” the Uruk’hai bellows. “What kind of filthy trickery is this! These maggots are not worthy of being henchmen!”

I clear my throat. “Yes, that’s…um…kind of the point.”

Ears lowering, Dobby sidles back. “D—Dobby is a most terrible henchman. Dobby got ten more votes than last year.” He brightens with the thought, seeming to forget the foreboding orc before him. “Dobby will continue to prove what a failure of a henchman he is and make Harry Potter proud!”

Ugluk’s growl wipes the house elf’s smile away and sends him scampering behind me to hide with Bramble.

“All pathetic!” Ugluk cries. “No wonder none of these nasty little worms won. The winner better be a worthy opponent!” He whips up the final envelope.

Hushed silence blankets the warehouse.

The tear of paper echoes like thunder.

Ugluk peers at the parchment. “84 votes. Ah, now then. This one must be worthy indeed.” He pulls the paper closer to his face. His eyes flash. “PUZZLE?!”

His roar of anger is drowned out by deafening applause. The entire warehouse vibrates with the sheer ecstasy. A chant of “PUZ-ZLE! PUZ-ZLE! PUZ-ZLE!” nearly shakes the walls.

I peer in the crowd for the donkey in question and spot him cowering near the front, head low. Multiple people urge him to go on, including a teenage girl and boy. At last, sloooowly, he lumbers onto stage, head so low it’s nearly touching the floor. The cheers continue.

“ENOUGH!” Ugluk’s howl cuts off the applause like a door slamming shut. “Cows? Lizards? Whatever those are”–he thrusts a hand out at Bramble and Dobby—“and now a donkey?! This is a mockery! I think I’ll just keep the Silmaril for my master!” He pulls out the gleaming, silvery jewel and begins to stomp off stage.

Wait. What?

I run after him, realizing chasing an armed Uruk’hai is an absolutely terrible, horrible, no good, very bad idea, but you better believe I’m not about to let a Silmaril be stolen for my first ever time as a host. That would be just my luck.

I don’t notice the furry brown creature rush past me until he jumps right in front of me, arm held high. Something flings from his little fist. In a puff of brown smoke, the puffernut explodes into the side of the Uruk’hai’s head.

“BAH!” Ugluk swipes at his face. “YOU FILTHY LITTLE APE.” He whips up his sword, only for another puffernut to erupt smack into his face, blinding him. “AAARRRGGHHHH!” He swings his blade in a fit of rage. Lucky for Bramble, the weapon sails clear over the short creature’s head.

“Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.” Dobby disapparates off the stage.

Puzzle trots in frantic circles, seeming unable to find his way down.

I rush to rescue Bramble, when a bone-chilling noise paralyzes me in place.

“MOOOOOO!”

Half a dozen toothy demon cows appear from around the curtains. Eyes aflame, they charge. I dive down, snatch Bramble in my arms, and scramble off the stage.

“RAAARGH!” Ugluk raises his weapon as the cows storm straight for him. Just before they reach the Uruk’hai, an explosion of brown dust ruptures around their feet.

“Bramble dropped his puffernuts.”

I barely hear the little creature’s murmur in the wake of chaos.

Clomps and frantic moos compete with Ugluk’s roars. He leaps off the stage, covered in brown dust, and surges forward. The toothy cows chase after him. The crowd screams and plows over each other, trying to make a clear path. The Uruk’hai and devil cows burst out of the doors.

Dazed silence falls over the warehouse.

I stare, blinking at the doors. Welp. I’m probably never going to be asked to host one of these ever again.

Something silvery glints in the corner of my eye. I set Bramble down and pull myself back up on the stage to inspect the object.

Well now!

I pick it up and examine the crowd. “Anyone seen Puzzle?”

The people, seeming to recover, murmur and look around.

“There he is!” The girl who had helped urge Puzzle onto the stage points behind me.

I turn to find a gray snout poking out from behind the sheet-curtain. Grinning, I push the curtain back to reveal the donkey, head low and visibly shaking. “It’s safe now, Puzzle. You can come out.”

“I’d…I’d rather not.”

“But you’re the winner!”

“Come on, Puzzle!” a boy next to the girl shouts with reassurance.

This is followed by more cheers of encouragement, and then someone takes up the chant again and it echoes through the warehouse. “PUZ-ZLE! PUZ-ZLE! PUZ-ZLE!”

Slowly but surely, the donkey plods out. I pat him on the neck and wait for the noise to quiet down before speaking again. “Turns out the toothy cows were useful after all.” I hold up my hand. The Silmaril dangles from a ribbon, glimmering even in the dim lighting. “It seems ol’ Ugluk has butter fingers. Henchman—watcha gonna do?” Laughter and more cheers sweep across the room as I present Puzzle his prize. “It got a little cracked during the fight, I fear. Sorry about that.”

The donkey barely glances at it. “Does this mean I don’t have to do this anymore?”

“Yep. It’s a life time award.”

“Oh good!” At last, he raises his head, and something akin to happiness gleams in his eyes.

Smiling, I turn back to the crowd. “May I present Puzzle, the winner of the 2019 Simaril Award for Least Competent Henchman!”

This time the applause is so loud the walls of the warehouse really do shake. In fact, the whole place looks like it could collapse at any moment.

I eye the cracking walls warily. “D—don’t forget tomorrow is the ceremony for THE MOST NEFARIOUS VILLAIN.” Which, I realize, could be even more disastrous than this award. The wobbling ceiling distracts me from that thought. “Um, maybe we should enjoy the refreshments outside,” I say in a rush, shooing people at the door. “Thankyouallforcoming! Bye! No, seriously. Bye. RUN FOR YOUR LIIIFE!”

THE OTHER CEREMONIES

Don’t forget to see who has won the other awards! We have had such a great time. You definitely don’t want to miss any of it!

• Wisest Counselor – Jenelle Schmidt
• Most Epic Heroine – J.L. Mbewe
• Most Magnificent Dragon – Kyle Robert Shultz
• Most Mischievous Imp – Madeline J. Rose
• Strangest Character – Tracey Dyck
• Most Nefarious Villain – Zachary Totah
• Most Silver Tongue – Deborah O’Carroll
• Most Faithful Friend – E.E. Rawls
• Most Epic Hero – DJ Edwardson

LET’S TALK!

Well…that happened. I, um, hoped you enjoyed it. Are you excited about who won? Are you enjoying the ceremonies? (I certainly am!) Don’t forgot to stop by the other ones. *points to link above* And thank you all for joining in. Being a part of the awards has been the highlight of my month! This is way too much fun. Can’t wait ‘til next year!